jiaying. (:
fifth april.

family, friends & dance

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let's chase the summer and forget the world.

i have been feeling kinda down these days, especially when certain people appear, when friends ask what happened why like that whats happening why dont you do something about it aiya cheer up its okay dont think about it. but when certain people appear again it just triggers everything. and all the looking back, at last year the week before genting, how i could have done something. something, anything. done something to preserve the friendship, the very very very precious special kind of friendship we used to share. i blame myself for being so selfish, so caught in the heat of the moment and how i could just abandon everything else and just think about how i feel. i never really thought i was a selfish person. but these few days of seeing a person appearing every where and every corner i look has made me realise, i am actually not a very nice person, not a very nice friend. many times i would just get caught up in everything fun everything exciting and forget those who were really truly there for me, and i will move on in search of more excitement and more fun while i leave them behind. they tried to catch up with me, but i couldnt be bothered as i thought some other things in my life are now more important. but as time passes, as everything fades, i find myself going back to the same me, the me who had no one, the me who once had you, but i had let you go, and now im all alone. and i want so much to bring it back, just like how you used to. and i try, but the difference between me trying and you trying then was that i feel so ashamed. i know everything's my fault, everything could have been so much better now if i had bothered to do something, if i had truly thought you were one of the more important aspects of my life. and when i tried and you blocked me off, i know, and i do not have the face to try again. today i wanted to try again, i thought that this time maybe things will change! and everything will become better. just like how it used to be :) but when i just read your special someone's blog, i realised how pathetic i am compared to her, i realised i do not even deserve to have a friend like you in the first place, i thought of how i had misplaced your faith in me, how i had lost your trust, i thought of the many many things i did and once again i thought of the many many things i COULD have done, yet i didnt. because i was selfish and i only thought of myself. and now once again i became my selfish self and just because i wanted you back i thought i was right, i thought i was the victim in this whole situation, yet i realised i still do not understand the true meaning of really being there for someone. i thought that your special someone is really so special, and i could probably never be someone like her, it is absolutely right for you to be angry with me, to not talk to me, probably ever again. i really admire your special someone, i am very glad there's someone like that in your life taking care of you. i miss you so much, but i guess i should just give up. i shouldnt have left you hanging when you needed me, and just hope we'll be friends again after that when i find myself all alone. i cant be so selfish anymore. i just want you to know, im sorry. truly really very sorry. i hope you be happy always.